I hate being PMS-al, I’m watching this (please pardon my profanity) fucking love movie and it saddens. It makes me feel sad not because of all the failed relationships I have gone through, it makes me feel sad because I can not vision Love in my life not now nor in the future. I can’t see it all all, not even some casual random make out session with some cute guy.
I don’t feel desireable, nor do I feel attracted to anyone that would usually come across as being attractive to me.
I’ve never once in my life thought I would feel this way.
Now there are some days where I feel Love all around me inside of me, but it is not directed at anyone in general, its a wave of energy that comes from the Universe to remind me that I am Loved…
I can’t imagine going into yet another relationship getting to know someone having someone ask me all those questions trying to get to know me just so they can judge me, the possible chances of giving my body sexually and then maybe we fall in love; only for what? For it to end? For us to get married? Have kids? Or to break up because one or the other doesn’t have what it takes to make it happen.
All of it just sounds overly exhausting to me.
Then I cry because I’m thinking OMG, I have become that woman who is almost in her mid thirties and the biological clock, well its slowing slowing slowing down… And I’ve given up…
No I will no longer analyze my past failures in search of what I did wrong or where it went wrong, IT IS WHAT IT IS. Doing this would only bring my mood down down down.
I’m swearing off all thes love sappy movies in the mean time. I will stick to watching those straight action movies filled with killing, running, and screaming, occassional kisses and useless sex thrown in there just for entertainment purposes and to keep the story line interesting.
Last night i twisted and turned and couldn’t sleep due to a pain in my heart my chest, I was thinking maybe i’m having a mild heart attack, but I honestly think its my broken heart still trying to heal from all the bull shit it went through.
A bottle of tums and a marathon of Bad Girls Club will do me some good.
