WARNIN: ( just to let who ever is reading this know I’ve decided to blog about my break up, blogging helps me find clearity so be aware you might see roller coaster of emotions day to day; I pray that this lesson this phase in my life ends with a happy ending, and at the end of this road I am able to love, sing, dance, feel free at ease again)
Whether I like it or not I’m a spiritual human nomad that has to keep on moving. I had become stagnant in my relationships lover, friendships, myself spirituality. I had noticed that the water wasn’t moving and a film was growing over I could no longer see myself in it and it was starting to smell and look old, but I refused to take action. Well, one day I took action in praying (in my opinion that’s the most powerful action). I told the Lord that I no longer felt the joy in life, I was bored, tired, I no longer had the enthusiasm, but I didn’t know what to do and to please help me out. My prayers were answered, but I had no idea that God would move the people around me away from me. The water has been shaken and now I’m asking God what do I do with this water now, I could see myself, but not clearly and I wasn’t happy with the disproportionate figure that I saw? I hear God say the sun is going to shine tomorrow and the water will evaporate up into the light, photosynthesis will occur.
In the middle of the night I felt alone, I felt afraid curled up in the middle of my bed, this feeling is all new to me even though I have been there before in the past long ago, I start to cry and become irritable, tears start to fall, and I find myself on my knees at the end of my bed, not finding the words I remain silent then my heart starts to speak to the Lord. I hear God’s voice telling me, I will hold your hand through this Marie, I will carry you when you can not walk, I will speak for you when you can not speak, I will teach you, make you grow into something beautiful, I will make you brand new over and over again, listen to me when I speak take action when I tell you to. I start to cry until I fall asleep. I hear God in my sleep asking me have I ever let you down. I reply no.
I am reminded of the 23rd Psalm
The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou prepares a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever
So I woke up this morning feeling a little dizzy and light headed (no not a hang over, LOL) taking it easy with the wine these days it is not what I need or want right now. I drive into work run into a spiritual friend of mine who I only seem to meet up with when the time is right. He ask me “so Marie how are things going with you?” I say “I have my days today is a good day.” He then says to me. “Marie don’t get attached to things”. I feel a small punch in my tummy. I look him in the eyes and he says to me “we don’t own love, its beautiful to experience love, but we have to keep evolving, be grateful for what you and Charbel shared, you gave him a beautiful gift and he gave you a beautiful gift, but when things start to keep going round in circles, but not going in any direction that’s not good. Love him, but keep on moving, keep on learning keep on loving.”
I could have hugged him for saying this to me. He asked me if he was being harsh, I said “no this is one of the most kind and beautiful things I’ve heard so far”.
So I am going to grow beautiful and bright like it has been written. Do I have any regrets? My answer is; No regrets I love my life that is bright like my name Bright Light Warrior Nika.